The Two Sides to the Two Face(d)book

As someone who enjoys having the option to connect with old and new friends in a non-committal, in-my-own-time-on-my-own-time way I think Facebook is the best thing since sliced bread. I can come and go as I please, connecting, disconnecting, selectively reconnecting, poking, and randomly wall-posting whenever the moment strikes. I can share memorable moments with those friends and family I actually bother to spend physical time with by posting photos, tagging them, and making ridiculous, and sometimes crass, comments beneath said photos. I can take a few moments, with out impeding on my distant friends lives, and see what they are up to and who they’ve been with. Sure, I recognize that it’s not the same as picking up the phone and hearing their voice, but I don’t want, expect, or need it to be. I relish in this idea of being able to have an old friend cross my mind and being able to immediately notify them that I’ve thought of them and ask about their well being without having to search for phone numbers, emails, or worrying about wither they care to hear from me or not. Facebook is so personally impersonal it provides me with all the tools and all the distance I need to put myself out there without fear of rejection, having to leave a voicemail, or –worse- feeling obligated to end the conversation with “let’s make plans” which both parties know is just as tacky an ending line as “Sincerely”. Sincere my ass.

Facebook permits this type of reconnecting conversation:
Me: “Hey. Your new puppy is adorable! What breed?”
Someone I haven’t spoken too in over 6 months, perhaps a year: “Golden Lab. Her name is Daisy – she’s the best! ”
End of discussion. No awkward goodbyes or obligatory promise of future plans. Just simple statement of fact. Clean. Short. Crisp.

And, I won’t lie, Facebook also allows me to view photos, videos, and comments by people who are completely annoying and hilarious either because they are dumb as doornails or just love calling attention to themselves, or even both. Facebook can provide shear Schadenfreude and I take full advantage of it. Yes, I’d say that in the past handful of years Facebook and I have had a truly loving and entertaining relationship.

HOWEVER…

Facebook reared it’s hideous, haunting head at me recently and I’m actually considering ending it all together with the Book of Face. Now, let’s be clear. This is not our first fight. Facebook and I first came to blows over the broken heart icon that appeared in my “Relationship Status” following my final online termination of a very meaningful (and very real) relationship. It was bad enough I had ended the relationship in person AND then AGAIN for all the world to see on the Great World Wide Web… but to put a f@#$ing image of a BROKEN HEART next to “is no longer in a relationship” was a kick in the real heart I just didn’t need. But we got beyond that. I survived the breakup and the broken heart icon.

But this… This latest offense is beyond getting beyond.

Facebook going global didn’t bother me. My grandmother finding Facebook and friending me was weird, but ok. My other various relatives – my sister, aunts, cousins… they’ve found me too. Mostly they just send me applications I’m sure they don’t understand and I certainly don’t want, but again, it’s no big deal.

So what I should say is… Facebook going global didn’t bother me UNTIL I started being hunted down by old colleagues of my MOTHER’S (who is wisely FB Free) who are begging me endlessly for her contact information. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! And I especially adore how each and every one of them makes a point to say “You probably don’t remember me, but I remember you. You were just a toddler…” Of course I don’t remember you! Really? REALLY?!?!?!

I feel like shouting:

HEY! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FACEBOOK BEHAVIOR. THAT’S WHAT THEY MADE “CLASSMATES” FOR!

If you can’t find my mother on Facebook, it’s because she doesn’t want to be found. Hounding her daughter will not help you either. So STOP. Go join MySpace, learn some basic social networking / profile site skills, and then MAYBE we’ll let you upgrade to the decent society that should be Facebook.

Oh, and did I mention that old family members whom I’ve purposely kept at a great distance for many, many years have also crept into my message inbox?!?! Oh yeah – that’s right. If I haven’t called you or seen you for a holiday or stopped by to say hello in the past 8 years it’s not because I’ve forgotten you, it’s because you are out-of-your-mind and very bad for my mental and emotional state of being . . . like an abusive boyfriend, except worse because the blood we share is not from Lifetime Movie-style punches to my face, but from years of procreation and family lineage.

*Whacks self on forehead* What really sucks is the fact that I can not respond, in any way, to these attempts at contact. I will not open these doors, even though I’d claw at a chance to tell them all off. Make them understand the rules – If you can find me, go ahead and stalk me, but do not message me endlessly prying for information that is not even mine to give and then continue to message me even when I never responded to your first message.

I realize this is part of the deal, part of conveyance, part of the luxuries of Facebook – they have the chance to try and I have the option to refuse. And I also realize the hypocrisy of my frustration. My apologies to anyone on Facebook whom I’ve contacted, been ignore by, and now crushingly realize how annoying it was for you to hear from me. I should have thought before I wall-posted. I realize too that my ideal Facebook is one in which I have options that others do not. I’m an FB Bigot. A Fbigot. Come to think of it, I have several mixed feelings about Facebook, like all the millions of applications piss me off but what a fun way to share and express your self or maybe a great way to do some good those applications can be. I can’t stand the overwhelming advertisements and how cluttered they make the page but I know first hand the chance to advertise on Facebook can really give your business or organization a boost. How I feel about what Facebook is now versus what it was. But what can I say? I guess I’m just nostalgic for the simpler times with Facebook, and wondering if nostalgia is really the only thing keeping us together…..



PS – I’ve taken the step to upgrade my security settings and limit access to nth degree. But my heart tells me the vultures are still out there and it could result in my final Facebook break-up and ultimately, the final broken heart icon.